Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
