Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
