i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize