I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
