I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
