my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
