It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize