I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
