Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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