chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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