Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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