There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
