Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Can I color on your dick again?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
