So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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