finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
