If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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