every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
