I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
