So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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