there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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