Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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