I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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