He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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