i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Im part way to drunk.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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