At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
