Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
