i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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