At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
