11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
