please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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