I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
