now i know why i became what i already was.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
