So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
