you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
