he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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