So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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