How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
