Non-Jews are for practice
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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