Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize