I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
