The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
