he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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