I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
