i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
