I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
