So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
