They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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