and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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