Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Randomize