On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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