If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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