I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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