Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
