I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
