shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
this hospital has no fireball
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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