I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
