Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
