DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
