I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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