hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize