Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
