Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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