Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
