she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
