i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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