not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
