Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
