The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize
