im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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