I understand Curling. That high.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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